Thursday, August 2, 2012

Move Over Modern Family

If only my family and friends would let me tell the truth, I am pretty sure we could have our own TV show.  But sadly, they are all so mean and have recently begun to refuse to allow me to use them as fodder for my own fun and amusement in my writing.  For some reason, they seem to think that the things I write about are humiliating.

Selfish?  I should say so!

Here is the recent exchange between me and my sister Lucy as we sat talking about my daughter, CeCe's debutante dress.  (If this was not the EXACT conversation, it was a close as I could remember it...)

Lucy (looking  at a picture of CeCe in her dress):  "Hey, I bet it was hard to go to the bathroom in that.
Me: "Yea.  You should have seen her yelling at me to hurry up and finish undoing all the buttons on the back so she could pee."
Lucy: "I just thought of something brilliant.  We could invent Debutante Depends.  The girls could wear them under their dresses and then drink as much as they want and not worry about having to pee." 
Me: "We could even get my Bedazzler and put monograms and decorations on them and stuff."
Lucy:  "Yea, and then in their later years as they are reliving their glory days of being a Deb they will be looking through their memory box and pull out the good old Debutante Depends and remember that special evening."
Me: " I bet you could even do some for Brides and maybe those Toddlers in Tiaras and shit.   We could make a lot of money."
Lucy: "Hey! Don't steal that for your blog.  You are always taking the good ideas I have and putting them in your blog."
Me:  "Well yea, but that's because you won't put them in yours."
Lucy:  "That's because I don't have a Blog."
Me: "See? So that's why I put it in mine.  Well, that and because it makes me look funnier."
Lucy: "I don't want other people to know things about me. That's why I don't put all that stuff like you do on Facebook.  Don't you ever get embarassed telling everyone all that stupid stuff? I am not like you.  I like my privacy."
Me: "Then why do you care if I steal all your good ideas and put them in my Blog and pretend like they are mine?"
Lucy: "Because I want people to know that I am the one that is funny.  If you were really funny, you would be the one who comes up with Debutante Depends."
Me: "But no one would even know you were funny because you wouldn't put it on Facebook or in your Blog and stuff because you would be all like "OHHH.  I'm soooo private. I don't want anyone to know about me." 
Lucy: "That's right.  I don't like people all up in my bidness."
Me: "So that is why I am doing you a favor.  I am stealing all your stuff and making sure that the world gets exposed to people.   I mean seriously.  People think some of the stupidist shit our family does is really funny..."
Lucy: "But wait.  It's not always you who is so clever.  You steal my good stuff sometimes. "
Me:  "Yea, but you don't want anyone to know you might be talking about something as UNCLASSY as Debutante Depends, so you won't even put it on your Facebook or your non-existent Blog or Twitter, so I have to."
Lucy:  "That's right.   I don't like people to know we talk about stuff like Debutantes peeing in diapers.  That makes us look bad.  I mean we should really have more important things to talk about than how hard it is to pee in a big white, puffy, long dress." 
Me:  "Even though it is really humorous?"
Lucy:  " It is funny, but I just don't want people to know I say things like that.  So don't put that in your Blog."
Me:  "Ok,  I won't."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Nothing Says Romance Like A Greyhound Bus...

Trust Me.  Kent is NEVER Going to Live this Down.  Seriously?!  What Was He Thinking?  You Tell Me.

I have the best husband.  I really do.  I love him very much and I know he loves me. He arranged for a romantic weekend alone without kids this weekend in San Antonio.  So thoughtful.    He is also brilliant, but sometimes I wonder... here is the conversation this morning.
Me:  Honey, I have a meeting at 4:00 on Friday.  I can't go early with you to San Antonio, but I will just meet you down there.
Kent:  Well, I don't have $30 to waste on parking two cars, plus it wastes gas.  Why don't you just take the Greyhound Bus down and I will pick you up?
MeAwesome!   I would love to take the Greyhound Bus from Austin to San Antonio....   

 Me:( Thinking to myself inside my head) The old Me would have gotten into a huge fight over this, but the New Me says this is going to be freaking AWESOME!!!!

Because here is the deal.  I have realized that this is going to get me about 20 years of leverage and thousands of dollars in gifts...

Here is the email I just sent Kent:

Reenie Collins
4:12 PM (29 minutes ago)

to kenttalkcollins

Thanks for arranging the romantic weekend. First time in 4 years we have been on trip with no kids!  Hubba Hubba!
Since you thought it would not be cost effective for us to take two cars and I have a meeting that is late and you have a meeting in SA early; you so very kindly suggested that I take the Greyhound Bus. 
  Well,  I checked and it just so happens that there IS a Greyhound Bus that leaves from Austin at 6:20 pm and arrives San Antonio at 8:15 pm - so not much longer than it would take me to drive.  Wow, how lucky!

And guess what?!   You are right, the savings is amazing!  The ticket, if I buy it online,  is only $10.00! That's right, just $10.00.   That way I can save the $30.00 parking fee for two nights, plus I save about $106.00 in gas useage from driving the Lexus to San Antonio (201 miles RT).  Plus there is also probably savings on the car depreciation from adding miles to the car, but I don't know how to calculate that!

As for your concern over the carbon footprint driving two cars leaves on this planet, I am so proud of your stance for the environment.  It is too bad more people are not like you and so caring and thoughtful of others.   (It reminds me of our trip to Anna Maria when the kids were little and you offered to go ahead and get some sleep while all three kids and the Nanny were vomiting repeatedly and could not even make it to the restrooms and so were throwing up in their beds.  And yet you thoughtfully felt that  that at least one of us should get some sleep and be fresh for the next day and so you very graciously offered for it to be YOU since you know how I like to sleep late.)  Anyway, as you said, there really is no reason for us to take two cars and waste the gas when the Bus is going down there anyway.  It certainly is better to Go Green whenever we can - just like Al Gore said.

I also appreciate the way you always look out for me and make sure I am safe and relaxed. A woman driving all alone on IH-35,  all the way to San Antonio?  That is certainly not safe.  Who knows what could happen?  I almost get PTSD just thinking about how difficult that would be and then I would not arrive at our romantic weekend feeling refreshed and loving.   So I am really glad you are looking out for that.  

 I will be sure to charge up my Kindle so I can read and rest the whole way rather than driving through all that stressful traffic and those potentially dangerous roadside situations and predators. Who knows?  I might even be able to stretch out on the seats and take a quick nap if my bus seat partner does not mind!  I sure hope my seat mate is nice.  I am bringing some cards and snacks just in case we strike up a conversation.

And, also, since I am saving us about $126.00 by taking the bus and letting you drive just one car down there, that leaves us more money to spend on dinner.  I was thinking we could probably go out to eat straight from the bus station when you pick me up.  Maybe you can see if there is a good place near there since it is a bit late and we will both be hungry?  I'm sure you could find a place close by -  just ask one of your partners in San Antonio, I bet they know the area real well and have probably taken their wives someplace romantic near the Greyhound Bus Station dozens of times over the years on special occasions.  After all, nothing says romance like a Greyhound Bus, does it?

If not, we could always hop over to the 7-11 next door and heat up a chili dog or a batch of nachos and then head on over to our luxury suite at the Westin Riverwalk for some Romance.(Notice I used a capital R in romance?  So you can tell how excited I am!)

 Since we are going to have so much extra money by my taking the Greyhound Bus instead of driving my own car, we could probably splurge on some drinks from the mini bar in the room!  Woo Hoo!   Or if you would rather, we could stretch our dollar a bit and just grab some Tallboys and bring them up to the room. 

Love you and can't wait for the weekend!


P.S.  You don't need to worry about me leaving my car at the Austin Greyhound Bus Station or about me spending money on a taxi.  I am going to call ALL our friends to let them know how thoughtful you were to suggest ME riding the Greyhound Bus for our romantic weekend getaway and ask them to come see me off - kind of like a Bon Voyage for my trip.  I am sure they would love to grab a few Keystone Lights, a bag of Cheetos and some  Slim Jims and make a happy hour down at the Greyhound Bus Station.  You know our friends - they are always up for a party. 

Stay tuned for more Tweets and Blogs about my upcoming trip - and about what Kent's reply to my email is...