Thursday, August 2, 2012

Move Over Modern Family

If only my family and friends would let me tell the truth, I am pretty sure we could have our own TV show.  But sadly, they are all so mean and have recently begun to refuse to allow me to use them as fodder for my own fun and amusement in my writing.  For some reason, they seem to think that the things I write about are humiliating.

Selfish?  I should say so!

Here is the recent exchange between me and my sister Lucy as we sat talking about my daughter, CeCe's debutante dress.  (If this was not the EXACT conversation, it was a close as I could remember it...)

Lucy (looking  at a picture of CeCe in her dress):  "Hey, I bet it was hard to go to the bathroom in that.
Me: "Yea.  You should have seen her yelling at me to hurry up and finish undoing all the buttons on the back so she could pee."
Lucy: "I just thought of something brilliant.  We could invent Debutante Depends.  The girls could wear them under their dresses and then drink as much as they want and not worry about having to pee." 
Me: "We could even get my Bedazzler and put monograms and decorations on them and stuff."
Lucy:  "Yea, and then in their later years as they are reliving their glory days of being a Deb they will be looking through their memory box and pull out the good old Debutante Depends and remember that special evening."
Me: " I bet you could even do some for Brides and maybe those Toddlers in Tiaras and shit.   We could make a lot of money."
Lucy: "Hey! Don't steal that for your blog.  You are always taking the good ideas I have and putting them in your blog."
Me:  "Well yea, but that's because you won't put them in yours."
Lucy:  "That's because I don't have a Blog."
Me: "See? So that's why I put it in mine.  Well, that and because it makes me look funnier."
Lucy: "I don't want other people to know things about me. That's why I don't put all that stuff like you do on Facebook.  Don't you ever get embarassed telling everyone all that stupid stuff? I am not like you.  I like my privacy."
Me: "Then why do you care if I steal all your good ideas and put them in my Blog and pretend like they are mine?"
Lucy: "Because I want people to know that I am the one that is funny.  If you were really funny, you would be the one who comes up with Debutante Depends."
Me: "But no one would even know you were funny because you wouldn't put it on Facebook or in your Blog and stuff because you would be all like "OHHH.  I'm soooo private. I don't want anyone to know about me." 
Lucy: "That's right.  I don't like people all up in my bidness."
Me: "So that is why I am doing you a favor.  I am stealing all your stuff and making sure that the world gets exposed to people.   I mean seriously.  People think some of the stupidist shit our family does is really funny..."
Lucy: "But wait.  It's not always you who is so clever.  You steal my good stuff sometimes. "
Me:  "Yea, but you don't want anyone to know you might be talking about something as UNCLASSY as Debutante Depends, so you won't even put it on your Facebook or your non-existent Blog or Twitter, so I have to."
Lucy:  "That's right.   I don't like people to know we talk about stuff like Debutantes peeing in diapers.  That makes us look bad.  I mean we should really have more important things to talk about than how hard it is to pee in a big white, puffy, long dress." 
Me:  "Even though it is really humorous?"
Lucy:  " It is funny, but I just don't want people to know I say things like that.  So don't put that in your Blog."
Me:  "Ok,  I won't."

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